Devils, Donuts, Vash and a Vampire
by Shadow-of-a-Wolf
Summary: Work was never like this but then again when your store's open 24/7 even devils will stop by looking for some treats
1. Chapter 1

Devils, Donuts, Vash and a Vampire

I don't own any of these characters so don't make up some story saying I do then try to sue me over it because you won't win and you know who you are . . . . blah blah blah. If you've read past all that nonsense then you are in for a treat I humbly hope you enjoy.

Also I don't own the business mentioned in this fic, if I did I'd be getting bigger paychecks Certain bits of information and the name of the employee mentioned have been changed for his protection lol (Come on almost every author needs a little mystery surrounding them) Enjoy the story.

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Let me first say that I work a strange job. Well... not that strange. I work in a donut shop that happens to sell ice cream and miniature pizzas. The job is pretty straight forward, the customers come in get their food and get out. It is mainly the customers that are beyond weird. Save for a few regulars that try to keep me sane, the job gets more stressful with each temperament of the bizarre that seem to flock to my place of work each night. Are you confused? I'll be the first to admit that when I first got this job, I was too. Now that I have gotten into the flow of things, the old place doesn't surprise me as much. But then again...

Well, it was time for me to go to work at Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins. Yours truly was out making people smile and a little bit heavier. I had thought tonight was going to be no different from all the other nights. And then _he_showed up dressed in an outfit similar to the father of church. The man was tall, bald, with mismatched eyes that seemed to peer into my very soul. And then there was his scar that only added to his menacing look. "Can I help you si si- sir?" My voice was shaking due to his terrifying gaze and then he spoke, "I'd like the chocolate frosted donuts and one of your purple fruit blasts." "Will that be all?" I asked curiously.

"Yes that is all." As I turned around I heard a voice shriek "And SPRINKLES!! LOTS OF SPRINKLES!!" I jumped and slowly turned back to notice the strange man had grabbed the attention of the other customers with his outburst. Then one of my customers replied, "Hey Tony, when you finish with that fruit cake, I'd like another strawberry sundae with a mini pizza." The voice eminatted from a silver haired man wearing red jacket and a guitar case by his side. I gladly turned my attention away from the sprinkles obsessed fruit cake and said, "Not a problem Mr. Dante." As I got the first customer out of the way whose name I heard was Arkham, I swear he skipped out of the store like the gayest clown I had ever seen. Then I got Mr. Dante his order. Mr. Dante's eyes seemed to smile as I came by with his order. "Thanks Tony," he said, "and chill... there's no need for formalities. Dante will be just fine. Also I'd like you to meet my brother Vergil." I was staring to the face of a man who had been to hell and back and hated every minute of it. His voice was much more distinguished in tone than Dante and his order was as well. "I'd like an iced latte with a sesame bagel." I had to ask,"Would you like that bagel sliced sir?" He turned his jacket over revealing a katana. "No. I think I can handle that myself don't you think?"

Dante had noticed my eyes were still on the blade so to lighten the mood he asked me a question, "So that Arkham guy... we use to know him and we can see he's still one fruity nutcase with a clown fetish." I started laughing as I went to go get Vergil his order before he grew restless with his blade. Vergil thanked me for his beverage with smile before following up with a strange request, "Throw the bagel in the air." _OMG, _I thought, _he's really serious._ I did as he asked and I felt a breeze hit my face as a neatly sliced bagel dropped on the table. Some how it was toasted as well no one seemed to wonder why. Then I heard some static come through on my headset. Dante noticed the sound and sighed "I guess the ladies couldn't keep away from me. Then as he lifted the mini pizza a gunshot rang out for everyone to hear. Almost all the customers ran out or drove off.

A gang of bikers appear and disappeared in the blink of an eye. The bikers were moving so fast you wouldn't believe they had just had as many flat bread sandwiches as they did. They were followed by a few hippies and a black guy not wearing any pants. The last one drew few confused looks from Dante and Vergil. I just sighed and said, "You'd be surprised what types of crazy people come through here." Vergil was the first to say something, "Well besides the man with the baby genitals, who fired the gun." Dante spoke before he looked up, "One guess that it was one crazy gun toting lady throwing a fit cause we didn't tell her we were getting ice cream!" The reply answered it all, "Lady is right!" as a woman with short hair walked in beside a blond who seemed to be playing with lightning. Her voice was just as sweet yet stern as her friend's voice if not more. "You boys really gotta work on how to treat ladies."

Dante spoke first "What's wrong with a guy wanting to just chill with his bro away from the two women who kill his wallet just as quickly as they kill demons." With that Vergil smiled "You find that bad? Try shopping with these two fashion critics commenting on every thing you buy." The ladies brushed off the twins words and gladly took seats next to them. Trish was first to order "Give me a classic with a new look." Dante looked up and smiled "On second thought too easy." Trish eyed Dante "You better watch yourself or I'll make you look more like Vergil" with that her hand sparked "Permanently." Dante backed down as I went to work on the order. "Hmmm?" I thought classic with a new look?" Then an idea hit me as I grabbed the ingredients and blended them for a minute added a cherry and it was done. I brought her the order one blended bananasplit shake. Trish smiled "Oh yes I can see where this is gonna go already" Vergil gave a quick remark "Indeed so can we" gesturing towards her posterior. Trish winked "Be happy you're the cute one."

Dante jumped up "What the hell! We're twins and you say that! If it were me I'd be wearing a permanent bitchslap!" Lady calmed him down with a smile "Don't worry to me you're the cute one. And Tony I'll have a brownie sundae with extra fudge." "No problem Lady" I said as I went to work and brought back her order. Just then a mysterious figure walked in with a red hat on their head. As this figure walked in the music stopped and a voice came on. "Where in the world is Carmen San Deigo?" We all looked up at the figure who removed their sunglasses as we all gasped in surprise.

OK so I'm still work on better cliffhangers but the stories coming a long (For a better cliffhanger story so far check with ericdraven201. There's a writer who caught my eye for many reasons.) Also the story will take a few more turns before it's over so expect more people to drop by my shop. Ideas for others surprise guest are gladly welcomed along with critics and people who have smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

Back again to relish in the art of writing fics and I don't own anything but my mind and right know it's on loan to ericdraven201

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"Alucard?" questioned a surprised Dante. "Half-Demon? This is quite the surprise." said Alucard as he turned to stare at the crew of demon hunters. "What in the world are you doing here, there's no big bad ugly demons here besides my bro." Dante remarked as he felt a sudden stab to his leg. "I got to get me some new glasses" said an old man as he fiddled with his specs while drinking his coffee. "Man, I knew I shouldn't have smoked all that weed and then stuffed my face with munchkins," said some black guy who by the way he feasted obviously had the munchies. All these questions were in response to a shimmering transparent blue sword sticking in Dante's leg. "Dammit Verg! Enough with the swords already! It was a joke!" yelled one pissed demon hunter. Vergil just smiled with his cold eyes trained on Alucard as if asking for a chance to challenge the Count "Why are you here?" Vergil asked.

Alucard just smile hungrily flashing his fangs and then he spoke "To glare at me like that you must not have heard of your brother's past encounter with me?" Dante jumped up "If you hadn't brought that little Hellsing toy, you'd still be a pile of hamburger meat!" His brother jumped in next "I assure you I am not my brother and I'd love to see which one is sharper my blades or your fangs?" questioned Vergil. There was so much murderous tension in the air that no one noticed a busty yet clumsy police woman entering the shop. Lady trying to relax the mood just laughed "Ha-ha! Ha! Ha! He's on a donut date with a cop!" Dante smiled at his lady, but the rest of the place including myself kept quiet due to fear. One man was even holding his piss, but then he ran for the bathroom. _The bathroom sounds like the safest place in here right now_, I thought to myself. Trish who had been unnaturally silent then asked Alucard a simple question "Are you a man or a monster?" Alucard sighed at the police girl nearly tripping over the table before turning to Trish and saying with a devilish grin "Wouldn't you like to know?"

The man who had run to the bathroom came back out seeming to have made it in time. Though everyone knew he was in a bad position like being right in the middle of two loaded guns. This time instead of two guns however, he was between Alucard and the counter. The vampire king glared at him as he walked up beside him and whispered into his ear "You have failed." Just then the man wet himself as he took of running to the nearby church.

The clumsy police woman raced to the counter and greeted me with a smile; I took note of her fangs as well. "Hi Tony, I'm Seras Victoria and . . . "Before she could finish Alucard stepped in and simply asked "Among this vast selection I see no blood, where might I find some?" I wasn't sure of what to say, although I did want to recommend a few customers I've had issues with. Alucard smiled as if he had just heard my thoughts and was relishing the thought of it. Victoria stepped in before Alucard went on a hunt for annoying customers. "Sir, might I suggest the jelly donuts, they taste much sweeter than blood." Hellsing's number one agent gave a low growl and spoke "Fine, Police Girl." As he turned to me he spoke again "I'll take a dozen, pay the child police girl." As I took their order I got a beep over the drive-thru headset. I quickly gave them their donuts as they took their seats next to Dante and his friends and then answered the annoying as hell headset. "Welcome, how may I help you today?" On the other end I heard a man with a very thick foreign accent. "My dear lad, I love two things in life. One is I love war and the other is I love German cake ice cream. I'll take two quarts." I put the order in and then asked if that was all. "Milk shake! I vant a milkshake Major!" said a young boy with an accent as well. "Very well, Schrodinger, a large milkshake . . . any flavor."

I went and prepared their order as Dante and Alucard walked over to the drive thru window. "You sure this will work?" questioned Dante. "Believe me Half-Demon it's quite the stress reliever. As I was about to give man his order I heard to very loud gun shots. I glanced at the drive thru window to see Alucard and Dante's guns still smoking from the rounds they had just fired into the car. "What the hell did you two do?" I asked them. They just smiled and laughed as if it were a game. Then the man called The Major spoke to me "My dear boy there is nothing to fear, these two hellhounds will taste defeat soon enough, for now the ice cream." I just handed him the ice cream as I deeply looked at the headless body next to him. "Don't forget the milkshake Major." I jumped back in shock as the headless body suddenly had a head and cat ears as well. It also started muttering German curse words. "Thank you," said the Major "I love German chocolate cake ice cream. I love the texture. The rich taste it has. The way no other ice cream can compare to it. Each spoonful is as good as the next like bullets being emptied into a foolish band of rebels."

1 hour later

"Unleash the abundant taste of German chocolate cake ice cream my friend." Said the Major as I stood there half sleep from the long speech. "Huh, oh yea German chocolate cake ice cream is the greatest." I said as I awoke. "Farewell," said the Major and the cat boy. Dante and his crew were in a deep discussion with Alucard and Seras Victoria. "Ebony and Ivory," spoke Dante, "sleek, effective and come on white and black guns, people are asking me if there's a deeper meaning behind them." Alucard just smiled before showing off Jackal and his .454 Casull. "Didn't these blow those little toys of yours away?" He questioned, leaving Dante to pout. Trish pulled out a simple handgun "Quite effective against anything that goes bump in the night," she said before wrapping it in lightning, "With the proper charge of course." Then lady produced two handguns before showing off Kalina Ann to everyone. "Nothing like it and there never will be. It can slice off a limb and blow you to kingdom come in under 5 minutes." Seras Victoria produced the awe inspiring Harkonnen which weighed over a 100 pounds. It also made Lady feel like Kalina Ann was nothing more than a potato launcher, until Dante reassured her of its importance.

Vergil just scoffed at everyone around the table, "Are all these guns really necessary? A blade can do just as well and doesn't use up massive amounts of ammo. Alucard and Dante stared at Vergil and their thoughts were aimed right at him .thought Alucard shot his thoughts at Vergil with a hungry look on his face, _I could rip you to shreds and use your toy as a toothpick when I finish. _Dante just laid back and smirked_, He always has to hate on guns, and he forgets it's the guns that helped us pull off jackpot and helped get his ass out of hell. _I looked at Vergil sadly. He must have read their thoughts and caught that since his face showcased epic failure. Then Trish tried to comfort him by asking me a question, "Hey Tony could you fix us one big Reese's sundae with extra of the usual toppings?" This seemed to work as Vergil brightened up and I went over to the counter to get to work.

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If anybody's curious in Hellsing Ultimate the Major has a very long monologue after the fourth episode that could really put you to sleep or want to give a salute your choice. Reviews aren't just welcomed they're encouraged


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